I'm for wine and the embrace of questionable women (missyjack) wrote,
I'm for wine and the embrace of questionable women
missyjack

Nipple-gate: a Supernatural scandal

With deals struck by the DGA and the WGA, the Screen Actors Guild are the next up to the negotiating table. Of all the players in the industry, it is the actors who attract the big dollars, and it is no secret that the studios would love to get rid of them.

 In a Missy-Pedia Tru Fax exclusive, I can reveal that this is already happening, with our favourite actors being replaced ONE BODY PART AT A TIME! And yes, even on our beloved Supernatural, as evidenced by the outrageous substitution of part of Jared Padalecki, in a scandal I am calling NIPPLEGATE!

 

I could hardly believe my eyes when we finally got to see some more of the scrummy Padalecki flesh this week, only to be confronted with a nipple that was an OBVIOUS IMPOSTER!!!

 Jared Padalecki’s nipples have previously appeared in two episodes of Supernatural: 1.17 Hell House, and 2.17 Heart. Their work in each episode was highly regarded by critics and fans alike, demonstrating their aptitude for both comedy and drama. In fact, they were nominated for a Golden Aureole award in 2007 for Best Sci -Fi Performance by a Male Body Part (losing out to Joe Flanigan's hair in  the SGA episode Doppleganger).

  

Sources close to the pada-nipples informed us that their contract stated that they would always appear together, with each getting equal airtime. Issues arose before the filming of Mystery Spot, when Jared’s nipples discovered only one was to be seen on screen. They demanded they both receive payment for the episode, and in addition lodged various other claims including a demand for their own trailer, a large tub of Fijian honey nipple gloss and their own personal make-up artist and tweaker.

 After these demands were denied by the studio, the nipples refused to appear. The studio then bought in a cheap rubber impersonator, known as Kevin.  Kevin stated it's career appearing as corpses in CSI, before moving on to some work under t-shirts for Tom Welling . He attained notoriety after being romantically linked with Janet Jackson's nipple following her 2004 Superbowl appearance.


Kevin's portfolio shot

It was obvious to anyone watching Mystery Spot, that this nipple was both less attractive than Jared’s nipples, and also had nowhere near the acting talent.

 

Advanced biometric analysis confirms the substitution. Using high resolution pictures,  I constructed one-to-one correspondences between the allegedly fake nipple in Mystery Spot, and know examples of the real thing. The correspondences, based on the Laplace equation. were  solved analytically using a Boundary Element Method, which is particularly useful for non-rigid surface comparison. The results unequivocably demonstrate that the nipple in Mystery Spot is not an authentic pada-nipple.

 Those close to the production say there is a real feel that other body parts will be substituted. Viewers are advised to look closely at future episodes to determine whether Jensen’s ass and wonky eye are the real deal, or cheap knock-offs.   

 While yet to be confirmed, rumors state that Jensen Ackles’ feet walked off the set in solidarity, and in this shot his boots performed on their own.

 

Jared’s nipples were last seen being comforted by Jensen Ackles.

 
Next week: Exclusive:
Has Jim Beaver been replaced by a Bobby-bot???

 

Tags: crack_den, meta
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