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a queer and pleasant danger
JOHN WINCHESTER: DEAD BEAT DAD AND MAN WHORE 
25th-Apr-2009 02:42 pm
john
I've been reading reviews of last night's episode and I see the CULT OF JOHN is alive and well AND MAKING SOFT COCK APOLOGIES FOR HIM.

He was NO HERO. Unless by HERO you mean STALE OLD SANDWICH full of fermented reformed meat and slimy cheese.


JOHN WINCHESTER WAS AN ASSHOLE.

I keep reading posts saying "oh he was a MAN. He had NEEDS and JUICES. He did the best he could. His life was hard, yo."

WELL FUCK THAT SHIT.

John's wife gets killed and what does he do? Protect and raise her sons in a loving safe environment, like she would've wanted? NO. In a typically MALE FASHION he gets Into a PISSING MATCH with a demon. And not just the one that killed Mary. OH NO. He has to go poking ever supernatural thing n the lower 48 WITH A STICK. TALK ABOUT TESTOSTERONE POISONING. And where are those POOR CHILDREN? Left alone in seedy motel rooms or even worse with a string of dubiously SINGLE BEARDED MEN like Bobby and Jim.

FINE LIFE FOR JOHN THO. He gets to cruIse around the country in his NOT AT ALL A SUBSTITUTE FOR MY SMALL PENIS imapala AND COLLECTION OF really phallic WEAPONS. KILLING THINGS AND SCREWING CHICKS. Nice work if you can get it JOHN BOY. Just like the GOOD OL DAYs in vietnam although there was probably a disappointing lack of opium dens in SOUTH DAKOTA.

SO. 1990. Dean's 11, Sammy still not chubby and 7. SOMEWHEN between the time you left Dean to look after Sam and the Striga nearly got him. Oh and the great Christmas of 1991 they spent alone in the COCKROACH INN. Where were you John? Screwing your way through the Accident and Emergency Departments of mid-West hospitals??? Probably faking injuries for A PITY FUCK and some morphine.

So you screw Kate Milligan. You and your youthful JAVIER BARDEM good looks. Slipping your wedding ring into the back pocket of your jeans. PITY YOU DIDN’T HAVE A CONDOM IN THERE. Did you even think twice when you came inside her SHOOTING her full of WINJIZZ like a ghost full of rocksalt. Or was it some sort of VIRILITY thing to counter the fact that you really knew DEEP DOWN you were a SOFT COCK LOSER???

2002. Kid called Adam calls. HEY DARTH I'M YOUR SON. And John FATHER OF THE YEAR Winchester comes running. Coz you know 2002 great year. Sam struggling for NORMAL leaves and John in his usual supportive way says FUCK OFF AND DON’T COME BACK LOSER. how dar you rebel and go to STANFORD YOU POOF. And Dean is dealing with more DADDY ISSUES than BABY JESUS. Busy trying to perfect his mini-John drag act. And JOHN is all HEY ANOTHER KID to FUCK OVER \o/ And does a little victory dance.

So JOHN FAIL WINCHESTER turns up in WINDOM - which should be called FAILDOM - and photoshops himself into Kate and Adams life. But he's only PASTEDE ON YA, turning up for the odd bit of fish murdering and gambling instruction. OH YEAH. And once he says to DEAN "hey you know that IMPALA I gave you which you hold as the only tangible symbol of my love. WELL I NEED TO borrow it to teach my BASTARD SON to drive in." FUN TIMES. And Dean makes his 3,000 submission to FUCKMYLIFE.COM

And obviously PAPA JOHN did a WINNING job bonding with Adam because the kid hadn't even called him for OVER TWO YEARS. And of course John never TRUSTED Sam and Dean enough to share the little HEY YOU’VE GOT A BROTHER info with them. SO MUCH FOR FAMILY IS EVERYTHING FAILCHESTER.

SO JOHN YOU FAILED EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE AND I BET MARY WISHES SHE'D SAVED SKINNER INSTEAD OF YOU WAY BACK WHEN. NO WONDER YOU DIDNT BREAK IN HELL. You were already an HEARTLESS PRICK when you went there.

JOHN WINCHESTER. YOU ARE DEAD TO ME.

Unless we get Surpise!JDM for an episode, in which case you will be very alive and making my panties wet.

.

*opinions expressed in this post do not necessarily reflect those held by the management. They should be taken with a swig of holy water and a large pinch of rock salt.
Comments 
25th-Apr-2009 04:46 am (UTC)
I actually AGREE WITH ALL OF THIS. Does that make me crazy!?
25th-Apr-2009 04:49 am (UTC)
only CRAZY like a really smart thing. Maybe its because your brain is swollen? *pats you gently*
(Deleted comment)
25th-Apr-2009 04:50 am (UTC)
where was this Aldis awesomeness?????
(Deleted comment)
25th-Apr-2009 04:49 am (UTC)
*chokes on laughter*
25th-Apr-2009 05:16 am (UTC)
*g*
25th-Apr-2009 04:51 am (UTC)
"Unless we get Surpise!JDM for an episode, in which case you will be very alive and making my panties wet."

Yes....this.

All of it really.

Get out of my BRAAAIIINNN!!!!
25th-Apr-2009 04:54 am (UTC)
i still dream we will get Surprise!JDM one episode.
25th-Apr-2009 04:51 am (UTC)
YOU ARE MY FAVORITE, MJ. THIS POST IS FOR THE FUCKING WIN.
25th-Apr-2009 04:53 am (UTC)
SURE. You get to snog a girl and I get to write crack in CAPSLOCKS.

I KNOW WHO I'D RATHER BE. *wink*
25th-Apr-2009 04:54 am (UTC)
What is happening in this post? I feel like...*busts out crying*
25th-Apr-2009 04:56 am (UTC)
We really must have a JohnSUX panel at Wincon again!
25th-Apr-2009 04:55 am (UTC)
I CANNOT UNKNOW THE TERM WINJIZZ NOW. IT BURNS.

(P.S. You're awesome!)
25th-Apr-2009 05:07 am (UTC)
hehe. I hope to see the term winjizz appearing in fic across the fandom!
25th-Apr-2009 04:56 am (UTC)
Yesterday I was like "wow John and Adam were clearly close if they never called each other in 2 years" And the fact that Adam kept talking about John coming down for his birthdays and didnt notice him not calling for 2 years, and then I realized there were pretty boys on my tv and I was thinking and I shouldnt make a habit of that

Edited at 2009-04-25 04:57 am (UTC)
25th-Apr-2009 05:12 am (UTC)
John only knew Adam for 4 years, and yes, all signs to point to them not being that close. Still at least he made an effort.
25th-Apr-2009 04:57 am (UTC)
Yes!

I always thought John was a crap father, but I used to think it was just becuase he was in over his head and dealing badly. But now? Nope, he's pretty much just a bastard.
25th-Apr-2009 05:06 am (UTC)
seriously i think John did his best, which wasn't great. But then Sam and Dean turned out okay, minus some minor pathologies, so there's that.
25th-Apr-2009 05:02 am (UTC)
How dare you!

John Winchester is awesome! He is so awesome that his cell phone battery lasted for umpteenth years without being charged!
25th-Apr-2009 05:04 am (UTC)
dean saves Johns cell phones so he can reply and listen to his dad's voicemail message over and over. *emo tear*

Edited at 2009-04-25 05:04 am (UTC)
25th-Apr-2009 05:05 am (UTC)
..So, what you're saying, J, is that you don't like the guy?

/rofls
25th-Apr-2009 05:16 am (UTC)
actually i have always been pretty keen on John! But I am keener on CRACK.
25th-Apr-2009 05:07 am (UTC)
U R FROM FAILDOM! JOHN ROX MY WORLD!
25th-Apr-2009 05:15 am (UTC)
IF JOHN IS AWESOME HE NEED TO STRAP ON SOME ANGEL WINGS AND HELP HIS BOYS OUT.
25th-Apr-2009 05:08 am (UTC)
This may be crack-y, but since I was never a member of The Cult of John, I can only APPLAUD this post.

On a side note, the only side originally released from this episode (that ended not being aired) was one of John arriving at a hospital, hurt. Guess JDM was too busy playing ghost at Fail's Anatomy. Life of a TV and movie star.

Edited at 2009-04-25 05:09 am (UTC)
25th-Apr-2009 05:14 am (UTC)
yes I remember that side. I remember going BESERK over it. Also this episode was originally going to be aired as 4.16 I think???
25th-Apr-2009 05:09 am (UTC)
This episode really hurt - those men, once boys who apparently didn't even get to a baseball game with their dad, just sucking it up. Thank you for the succinct and chronological expression of John-fail!

How much more can they break Dean? And Sam just hunkers down behind his walls! But he's not like John, noooooo! Not our Sammy!
25th-Apr-2009 05:13 am (UTC)
SORRY Sam is EXACTLY like JOHN and that is scarier than any demon blood in him.
25th-Apr-2009 05:14 am (UTC)
I laughed so many times during this, holy shit.
25th-Apr-2009 05:24 am (UTC)
*g*
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